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Fair Balanced Fair and Balanced 8/15/03 |
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We Report, You Decide by Greg Gillam author info In honor of Mock Fox Day, we present a flurry of news items you might have missed. Fox Sues Eric Alterman For Using "And" New York - FoxNews Company slapped a multimillion dollar lawsuit on author Eric Alterman "for egregious, unlicensed use of 'and,' deliberately undermining the value of FoxNews trademarks." According to papers filed in the State Supreme Court in Manhattan, Alterman used the trademarked word over 500 times in his book What Liberal Media? "'And' is a key element of our trademarked phrase 'Fair and Balanced,'" a Fox spokesman said, "Mr. Alterman's repeated inclusion of it in his work not only dilutes the value of our intellectual property, but also implies Fox endorses his views, which we certainly do not." In addition to allegations of illegal use, the suit says Alterman is "not a valid or legitimate critic." In court papers Fox described the author as "pure evil" and "a total poopyhead" who should "shut up shut up SHUT UP!" Another document, which mentioned a "secret mission to promote the goals of a grotesque cabal of millionaires," was withdrawn. "Woops, how did that one get in there?" said a Fox spokesman, as he set the paper on fire. Some observers suggest Fox is engaging in selective litigation, singling out Alterman because he has accused Fox News of biased reporting. "Nothing is further from the truth," said a Fox spokesman, his eyes flashing read, "Who said that? Not that I plan to sue their heads off or anything, I'm just curious..." A few legal scholars question the application of property law to such common words as "and". "We're not sure even limited rights should be given over phrases such as 'fair and balanced.'" said one professor, who begged not to be identified, "I think it goes against the first amendment to let some corporation lay claim to ordinary word usage and use it for profit. Attempting to silence a critic through financial means seem down right fascist." Members of the Justice Department then burst into the professor's office and dragged him off to an undisclosed location. FoxNews also announced they were suing the author of a personal ad in the Chicago Reader who wrote "Among my likes: Monty Python, coin collecting, the Wisconsin Renaissance Fair and balanced checkbooks." "HAH! Thought he could sneak that by us," said a Fox spokesman. ("and" was used in this article with the permission of the FoxNews Corporation) Fox Trademarks "I'll Sue Your Ass" for New Show Following major publicity surrounding its lawsuits against Al Franken and a tiny t-shirt company, Fox has announced plans for "Who Wants to Be Litigated Into Bankruptcy?" Each week, a crack team of lawyers and celebrity panelists will examine the words of minor celebrities and columnists for the use of copyrighted material which is legally actionable. In anticipation of the show, Fox has trademarked the term, "I'll Sue Your Ass." Fox To Seek Trademark for 100 Ironic Phrases ...Among the phrases mentioned in the document are "Rational and Well-Researched," "Calm and Reasonable," "Thoughtful and Open-Minded" and "Nazis and Bastards." "We are also securing rights to the alphabet," said a Fox spokesman. Bill O'Reilly Announces "Fuck Truth" Lawsuit "Facts are not protected speech," said the well-documented liar, "You want to abuse me with the truth, you're gonna do it in the poorhouse. If this was the old west, I'd shoot your ass. And that means you, Moyers." Fox Trademarks "Sudetenland," Sues Czechs, Encourages Bush to Invade ..."We are also considering patenting the concept of Canada," said a Fox spokeskommandant. Various Bands Sue Fox, O'Reilly for Violating Trademark Obscure punk/ska band "The Shut Ups", even more obscure Midwest punks "The Shutups", Kelly "Shut Up" Osborne and nascent writer/rocker Neal "Shut Up" Pollack have joined forces to sue Bill O'Reilly for infringing on their intellectual property. According to the class action lawsuit, both O'Reilly and FoxNews Company have illegally profited by yelling shut up at various people including a relative of 9-11 victims. "Not only does this dilute the value of copyrighted material," said the group's lawyer, "But it associates 'shut up' with being a totally dishonest prick. He should stick to yelling about bathhouses. Rupert Murdoch: Punctilious Craphound or Rapacious Bastard? You Decide "I call my cancer Rupert, because that man Murdoch is the one who, if I had the time (I've got too much writing to do)... I would shoot the bugger if I could. There is no one person more responsible for the pollution of what was already a fairly polluted press." -Dennis Potter |
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Greg Gillam is the editor of Fengi, and he'll sue anyone who even thinks of using "fen" or "gi" in any context.
All material copyright the authors, printed with permission. |