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ANACHRONISTIC
by Krystal Ashe author info
Hello kiddies, welcome to Anachronistic! Nightclubbing at a higher level! As you all are in the know, we are the yummiest bump and grind emporium in the city. Injecting vibes for straights, queens, and inbetweens. The cure for the common club! Well, all that said, my name is Nels, and we here at Anachronistic are delighted to have you join our staff!
We'll be playing a little show and tell today. I'll be giving you guys and gals the skinny of our fan-tab-u-lous club so you feel at home. Me casa su casa.
We are a family at Anachronistic.
Okee-dokee, the area we're hangin' out in presently is the check-out office. At the end of your shift, security will escort you glamorous creatures and your dinero back here and they will watch you count your drawer. Oooh, and lookee up there! Uh-huh, under those mirrored ceiling panels are cameras. And all conversations are recorded, for your safety, of course.
Alrighty. I need to give you all one of these counterfeit pens cause you will have pay for any Forged Georges. The first one is free. I recommend, however, that you invest in a twenty dollar pen, as we buy ours in bulk for about fifty cents a piece and they're not so reliable.
Mr. Galliano - your boss - has a twenty dollar pen and he checks every bill. He also requests that you face and stack your money neatly as follows: singles rubber banded in fifty, fives paper clipped in a hundred, tens paper banded in five hundred, twenties in a thousand. Now, don't get all tizzied up! I know none of you have any experience bartending, and that seems like a lot of coinage. We don't expect you to be a ringer or a hammer yet. And don't go out and waste four hundred dollars on bartending school, our bartenders will teach you how to sling drinks for free. No sillies, they will not be paid to train you.
Okay, thisaway kiddies. The closed door at the end of the hall way is Mr. Galliano's office. Now girls, you don't have to worry about Mr. Galliano putting the moves on you unless your Latino or Asian. Can we say fetish? Anyway, if you don't want to sleep with him for better shifts, just tell him your boyfriend is a made guy, a real wiseguy, not a wannabe. He'll get the hint. Besides that, he's not the real owner anyways, he's just a front. But keep that hush-hush.
The door to the right of his is the GM's office. Her name is Shondra. Yes dearies, she shacks up with the head bartender. They look sorta weird together being that Iggy is a twenty something waspy beau hunk and she is one mean Bahama Mama. Psst, lean closer, it's rumored that Iggy has a sugar daddy too. Anyway, I guess they are LT cause Shondra and Iggy used to do the needle together, and then they did twelve steps together. It's that whole addiction dependent scene. Iggy's office is in the liquor room - I hear he keeps a stash of pharmaceuticals under that ticky-tacky velvet Elvis hanging on the wall. Now, it's a no-no to accept any drugs as tips and it's il-lee-gal.
This industrial strength door opens into the Salon Bar. Always close this door. We must practice safety boys and girls. Three years and never a hold up. A few employee thefts - but we always catch them so don't you all get any ideas. Stealing is a very bad boo-boo. Yes, we do take care of our own problems here at Anachronistic, no need to get the blue boys involved. Every time we call them it gives the city another reason to try and revoke our liquor license. So lets just say that all of our ex-employees have moved away.
So this is the Salon, the quiet room of the club. It's styled after a Parisian salon from the twenties, we even have poetry readings every now and then. The kids love to make out on the mohair couches, and drip candle wax all over each other in this room. Yes, the bar is about the size of an elevator. No escaping irritating, drunk customers. We put novice bartenders such as yourselves in here, or bartenders we want to punish for reasons we never tell 'em. Gotta keep em jumping! The bonus to working this room is that you can play your own music - six CDs of nothing too Heavy Metal, or gangsta rappy. If they skip, don't worry, someone usually fixes it within the hour.
Through these stained glass French doors is the Big Room. The bar on the right was yanked right out of one of Al Capone's old places. Cathy works the point at this bar. A point is the busiest part of the bar. She is one long and lean cuisine. A viva la diva! She ab-so-lute-ly hates all men and most women, but she is the only one who will work with Cleda. Cleda is being sued by half of the city for slander, and is banned from all the clubs. We would fire Cleda accept she has accused Mr. Galliano of having relations with her against her gold digging will while she was drunk on his hootch and high on his goodies. We all know this is a fib, and I am sure the bimba will move away in time. One of you lucky boys will be sandwiched right between the two of them.
Let's scoot over to the dance floor. It's made out of bowling lanes, take a look-see you'll see the arrows. Club Kids sucking Blo Pops and scantily clad breeders dance on these speakers and those platforms. Sometimes guys pass out on the floor around them from too much G. The girls pass out in a bathroom stall and when Patty - our creamy milk chocolate meth-head chick with a dick bathroom attendant - finds them they are always naked. I hear Patty keeps their money, but never the plastic. She also sells gum, candy bars, perfume, and condoms.
Uncle Ellis is the men's room attendant and he can give you the latest in sports as well as drink a fifth of vodka a night! Believe me! Give him the cheap stuff and only keep track of the first three vodka and cranberries you serve him. He has to drive that Cadillac of his forty-five minutes home and we wouldn't want Anachronistic to be liable if anything were to happen, now would we? And don't ever leave your drink where anyone can dose you. You could end up like one of those kids and that wouldn't look good for your brothers and sisters here at Anachronistic. No blemishes.
Oh yes! The dance floor bar. Mike - who is prime beef booty and the reason why Cathy is sour on men - works this bar. So does Josey, who likes to show his pierced nipples to those scary Latino Dragon Queens. Now boys, you are not allowed to take your shirts off, even if this room is hotter than New Orleans in August. But girls, It's skin to win around here.
That huge fiberglass white mouth suspended in the air is the DJ booth, we call it the Bat Cave. At night when you look through the lips you'll see DJ Easy spinning the ear candy. Yes, it's true his girlfriend is only seventeen, but we mustn't tell anyone. Minors are Il-lee-gal and we could lose our liquor license for anything Il-lee-gal.
Okay, follow me thisaway down the hall. No, you don't have to strut like me sillies. Theres the cigarette machine that never works. We don't give refunds and we don't get it fixed. Hey, profit for us and less second hand smoke for you all. Here's the coat check. However, I don't recommend that you actually use it. Keep all valuables at home and never leave anything over night cause you will be saying Adios to it. Charlotte - who is the only white girl that Mr. Galliano has dated - works coat check. She has a tabloid mouth, likes to do the busy beaver boogie. If she asks you anything just tell her 'it's none of your beeswax missy!' cause she has the bosses ear and she'll drop dime on you.
Let me just un hook this red rope so we can get into the Pedestal room, which is the VIP room. I think VIP should stand for very image paranoid or very insecure pricks since the majority of patrons in this room are straight men showing off for each other. Keith and Anita work in here. Their marriage is classified info, keep it under your belts so as they can flirt and make big tips, golden handcuffs as we call them. Yes, we've heard they could be vampires and might be smackheads, but they are Calvin Klein skinny and beautiful and very popular. They make us big bucks. It's like the navy: Don't ask, don't tell.
Only the Pedestal room has a waitress, her name is Kim. Her nails are four inches long and usually painted orange, she could flag down planes with them. Boys, I must be the bearer of bad news. Don't any get ideas of her Asian nails in your back, she dates Mr. Galliano. But girls, she goes both ways and Mr. Galliano likes to watch.
Alrighty, up these stairs would be the Lily Pad. This is where the champagne booths are, the true pedestal of V-I-P-dumb. To lounge in a booth one must spend at least five hundred dollars. For privacy, each booth has its own set of red velvet curtains. Can you say sex-a-taria? No, I can't tell you which actors and rockstars have gotten blowjobs here. Sex in a bar after all, is Il-lee-gal.
The Pedestal room DJ only plays what he wants to hear, mostly his own re-mixes of songs. But after a person pays a fifteen dollar cover charge, and the VIP door host shakes him down for another twenty to get into the Pedestal room without a VIP card, you think he is going to leave? I say he, cause women usually don't have to bribe the doormen, at least not with money.
Speaking of doormen, this is also the room most of the security hang out in. Now, I know their really big muscles might scare you, but I guarantee that none of them take those nasty drugs that make people aggressive and crazy, and give them acne on the back and small dicks. I can especially guarantee the latter. Steroids are Il-Lee-Gal. Yes, we have banned all drug dealers from the club. You, or any customer wanting X, G, K, T, yeyo, or cocoa puffs must go through Mr. Galliano to purchase it. It's called Rag-U-lay-tion. Sometimes Mr. Galliano even passes out free treats to the staff. You ask why he hasn't been busted? It's called Drugola.
You must not be too tardy for work. Tardiness of a half hour or more sometimes results in a Salon shift. And, you're not allowed to play hooky more than twice a month. You will be dressed in black and fairly sober. Now kiddies, as I said before: No personal drugs on the premises. Also, no more than one shot or drink an hour, we don't want you getting too boozy. Yes, drinking on the job is illegal but we tolerate alcohol, it's a social thing and it makes our bartenders friendlier. Customers don't like crusty, salty, bartenders.
At the end of the night you'll leave through this door which opens to the employee parking lot. It's also the door that Dennis Rodman and other celebs use. If Cleda has the night off we recommend that you switch cars with a friend and park somewhere else! She likes to vandalize and we are not responsible for anything that happens to your vehicles. We are not responsible for anything that happens to your body and soul at Anachronistic.
Tomorrow we'll chit chat about the customers. Okay? Seeyabye.
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