11/8/00, while the election was still bulloxed in Florida.

As someone who grew up in Orlando, it was odd seeing Florida become the (eventual) deciding factor in the election. I'd argue my home state is the most crazy-ass place in the nation. Yes, Texas and California are notoriously eccentric, but they're also gigantic, big enough to contain all types. Florida is bugfuck concentrate; there's a lot of lunatic per capita in the Sunshine. Readers of Florida literature know how frequently it focuses on strange and/or scary behavior (Harry Crews, Elmore Leonard, Carl Hiaasen, etc., etc.) The most well-known Florida journalist worked the murder beat. This is not a pose - the state really is that nuts. It's home to Operation Rescue and Hooters, Old South and Little Havana, Tom Petty and Marilyn Manson, NASA and N'SYNC. It's been a major stop for any number of con men and serial killers.

It's unsettling to think the nation's future rests in a state that once used the tourist slogan "The Rules Are Different Here (ah-HA-HA-HA-HA!)", but it is appropriate.

This was an election in which all three top candidates parodied themselves on Saturday Night Live. I question this, not for the lack of political gravitas, but for the creepy feeling of unreality it creates. Rationally, it's clear the candidates were trying to soften their images with self-mockery, but there's a sinister message: These are actually highly trained improv actors in the roles of dumb guy, stiff guy and the radical. They're trained in some CIA/Second City compound on the North Side of Chicago, with their shtick vetted by military intelligence.

There have been other conspiracy theories which say history is staged events, but there's a certain sweetness to my paranoid fantasy. It posits that the shadowy forces which control us have a preference for theater games and interactive comedy. They don't just lust for power, they want to put on a SHOW. It's a vast thespian conspiracy to destroy the fourth wall of the nation (which explains why much top selling music - be it hip-hop, salsa, teen-pop or country - has begun to sound like Broadway show tunes*). The truth is out there, and it's fabulous.

These ideas may result from growing up near Disney, a totalitarian mentality expressed through cartoons. Of course, fascist energy expressed in marketing is fairly common now. As my friend said after the sensory overload of the Total Consumer Environments that pass for stores on Michigan Avenue: "Hitler would have done better if he'd gone into retail."

I'm also unsurprised that Florida might create the biggest, messiest electoral delay since the invention of electricity. As a crazy-ass state, Florida has more wacky schemes than a truckload of sitcom characters, conducted with predictably hi-larious ineptitude. Even with a Bush brother, the GOP couldn't work a proper vote lock, though emerging evidence indicates they tried. Now we've got claims of police intimidation, stray ballot boxes and possible court action. I'm just waiting for the arrival of UN monitors. That's my home state!

Watching the results in Chicago, I began to realize that I moved from one flat former swampland to another, but at least here the corruption runs smoothly.

More reassuring was the unintentional self-parody many media figures displayed as the evening dragged on. At the top was Dan Rather, who let loose with many disconcertingly colorful remarks: "Call 911, call the doctor, call a psychic, but you won't know what's happening here." I began to wonder just who Dan was reaching when he said "It's so close you can't get a cigarette paper between those two." Cigarette paper? CBS had apparently decided to target the large number of drunk and stoned viewers.** I can think of no other reason why they chose to track electoral votes with a close up of Rather's finger pointing at a map on a TV monitor. I kept expecting him to say, "Look at me poke America! Pokey, pokey, poke!" At some point Dan switched to a pencil, probably because the director noticed he was leaving greasy prints on the screen.

Perhaps the most classic moment came with local coverage on Fox 32. Old school anchorman Walter Jacobson was interviewing former Democratic Representative (and ex-convict) Dan Rostenkowski. They were supposed to be discussing the current House, but a lack of sleep or excess of something let them to reminisce about Dan's career. Long suffering co-anchor Robin Robinson fidgeted silently as the digression went on for a rating killing length of time and finally burst out, "Well, we could spend all night recapping your career, but we should talk about the House today." Dan and Walter muttered something condescending, and she said, "Fine, do what you want," like a niece exasperated by her tippling uncles. The artifice collapsed, one of the few directly human moments of the whole campaign.
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*i.e. "Hard Knock Life" by Jay-Z
**CBS ran a number of snack food ads - think about it.

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